the Worst movie in recent history?

I watched the worst move the other day. It should have been awesome. It had guns, explosions, big stars, and the ever-delicious Angelina Jolie in a brief bit of nekkid hawtness. But, it still managed to suck so bad, I felt I needed a brain enema afterwards.

The Movie: "Wanted". It's as if Fight Club and The Matrix met in a bar, got drunk, and nine months later Wanted was born and adopted by a family of wolves.

Take the whiny, angsty, loser voice over of Ed Norton's character in Fight Club. You know, the guy who can't get his shit together, is a total weiner, even though he has no obligations other than to his own narcissism, complains he's trapped in life until he finds out he can be a violent sadist and damage people for fun.

Take the wacked out physics in the Matrix-where computer rules are bent so that impossible moves can be accomplished-bullets made to do weird things, reality is practically meaningless, and where a "hacker" who rips music tracks from illegal downloads while in a mind numbing day job finds out the whole world is a conspiracy and that he is special.."The One"..who can do things only a select few ever could.

Now, crush these together. Take a complete loser, who has no obligations or family to support, stuck in a job he's too cowardly to leave, with a bitchy slut girlfriend who's constantly banging his "best friend" who walks all over him. Remember there's the voice over to accompany this loser-ism. Have an over-mascara'ed Jolie sidle up to him and then get into a gunfight with some other guy. Have loserboy run, where Jolie slides into him sideways with a Dodge Viper at high speed-with the door open, that somehow scoops him in unharmed and doesn't break his ankles off. Have this chase scene where Jolie bounces the Viper off the side of a bus to make a tight corner....

Follow as our intrepid loser learns his father was a super-hit man with incredible speed and skills. Find out he worked for an ancient assassins guild...started by weavers FFS! Now of all the trades that needed or had the base skills to create an arm of killers, cloth makers would be right there at the bottom with manure shovelers. We're not talking caravan traders or drug smugglers here. Or even silk traders. The ever awesome Morgan Freeman gets the stinker role of being the current leader of this guild. Interpreting the "binary" codes from the Loom Of Fate (no kidding-a weaving loom that randomly screws up so the mistakes are "interpreted" and "fate chooses" who is next to die) he takes the kid in and proceeds to have him beaten sensless as "training" so he can take out the man who supposedly killed his father-I'm sure you can see where this is going.

So we learn that bullets can be shot in curves around buildings and rooms "because if no one told you bullets only went straight" we'd have faith and make em do impossible stuff. We get a BS story that Jolie's character tells (or was told to make her compliant-why are women assassins always so easily manipulated in movies?) of how not killing a Loom target allowed her daddy to get killed while she watched. We learn "superloser" can have a 400BPM heart rate and that his whiny panic attacks all this time were really his superpowers kicking in (shoot the wings off of flies, grasshopper!)

So the carnage goes on, they send him on a "revenge" hit to take out his daddy's murder, they kill an entire trainload of innocents by derailing it down some immensely deep chasm, only to find out as assassinnerd shoots his target that...

****SpOILER ALERT*** (I acccidentally left out the P..then thought maybe it was a freudian slip)

the target was his daddy all along! and that he'd found out Freeman's character was deliberately inserting target names for his own profit...gee, didn't see that coming from a killer cult based on thread weavers...or from dozens of other "I am your father" cliche movies...

More craziness ensues, with a garbage truck full of explosive rats (yes, terrorist suicide bomber rats!) gunfights killing everyone around (a lot like rescuing Morpheus from the office building) some more angsty whiny voice over, and some ridiculous long range, curving, multi-stage magic bullet shots...done in reverse...like at the opening of this turd movie.

I was warned to avoid it...but I disregarded the warnings for some big guns and a glimpse of Jolie's bare derriere...even her curves weren't worth the horror. What's the matter, isn't Brad bringing home enough to pay for the babies? Does your agent really hate you? Or is that why your character committed suicide in the end was because you read the script?

Don't make my mistake. You've been warned...avoid this turkey unless they make a MST3K episode out of it...no, not even then. Avoid the horror that is "Wanted"

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0493464/

Porkulus?

just about anyone who's worked hard to get ahead in this country, as well as anyone who understands recent political history and basic math, is pissed about this trillion (how many f*ckin' zeros is that?!) "stimulus" bill. Pork city. And people bitched about the cost of Mars missions, Iraq war, etc-this is bigger than *all* the money ever spent on NASA in history! Add the previous "bailout" money and you can throw in the entire War On Terror and some of Vietnam too!

But we can't even give back the money people earned in CA, we've got "I.O.U."s for our state tax returns. This new bill, stinks of payola to the organizations and regimes that helped with creating the current Administration.

Take a look if you dare. But be warned, there's so much pork in here your arteries may clog:

http://www.afa.net/pdfs/porkandpayoffs.pdf

Undisputed Frist Psot!

finally after surfing sites like slashdot for years, I finally get a first post... whoopty do.

More to come later when I get used to this thing. Expect me to link to posts I've made in *real* blogs to here. The rest of this will be my normal rantings of whatever sets me off.